A new mom recently said, “I have a six-month-old son and already I’m getting unsolicited advice from in-laws and strangers. For example, my mother-in-law, visiting Los Angeles from Omaha said, ‘Why do you have to nurse so often?’ On another occasion, at a restaurant on Ventura Blvd, I gave my son a bottle. Some woman said to her friend as they passed my table, ‘I never gave my child formula.’ Actually it was breast milk I had pumped earlier. Any suggestions you have in handling these busy bodies would be appreciated.”
When my mother visited my daughters and I from Pompano Beach when the girls were young, she would make hurtful remarks that annoyed us. For example, one time Mom said, “I never let my boys get away with that.” Or worse yet, she’d try to discipline my girls with harsh words and a loud bark. I put a stop to that by saying, “I appreciate your input, Mom, but your job is that of a kindly grandma. I’ll accept the role of disciplinarian.” Then I gave her a long hard look like a lion protecting his den. She got the message and never tried to discipline my kids again.
Here’s another example. Let’s say a best friend enters your home with her friendly Golden Retriever. The dog rushes over to lick your baby’s face, but you don’t think the dog’s action is sanitary. You need to tell your friend, “I don’t think Biscuit licking Julie is a good idea. From now on, please leave your dog home or let her play in my backyard.” Letting friends and relatives know where you stand on child rearing issues will prevent hassles down the road.
Sometimes your friends, who are also mothers, will give you unsolicited advice. Listen politely, but don’t think for a second that good intentions fit all kids. What worked for her son may not work for yours.
Then there will be a time you want someone to listen to your parenting woes. You just want to share your worries, but not really interested in advice nor care to hear criticism. So preface your remarks with that intent. Good friends will respect your wishes.
Most importantly, when your kids grow up and have children of their own, SHUT UP!
Michael Thal is the author of Goodbye Tchaikovsky, the story of a deaf teen violinist.
On a similar note (to waht you said about the dog) what would you tell a friend who has his dog barking at you and trying to jump on you but you really don't want it and when you complain to him he laughs it off/
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Michael is the author of the Koolura Series, The Abduction of Joshua Bloom, and Goodbye Tchaikovsky. Here he writes about parenting, educational, and kid -related issues.